Scratching the surface

I haven't been updating even though i'm really free. I've been thinking too much. The idle mind can get dangerous, I should be careful really. More exercise would do me good I suppose.

Because the training session was so boring today, I decided to let the wandering mind run free (not that i ever had much control over it's direction anyway). And so today, probably as a conclusion to all the past few weeks of brooding and lamenting, I thought a lot about love, dreams, ideals, and realities that keep me reined.

On Love (because everyone loves this topic)
It was like some week-long debate session with various people. And i've concluded that I'll never get attached because I cannot stand being chased by people I dont fancy. And 101% of the time, the ones that I attempt to get to know MORE either become friends, enemies, or forgotten shadows. Blame me then. What's wrong? I'm aggressive, determined and straightforward. You all know that. And I know guys, being the MCPs they are, cannot stand girls who are like that. Then how? I cannot be changed. But I am not power hungry, nor do I try to dominate. I only believe in going after what I want. Whats wrong with that? It works for almost everything else. Except when it comes to wussy guys. And having said that, I can't stand wussy guys too! What is so difficult about saying yes or no? It's the maybes perhaps seehows that get to me. Cmon, we're hardier than you think! And I'm not picky at all. really. my expectations have been narrowed down to zilch. Just find me someone who doesnt mind me being aggressive, determined and straightforward. blearh. Well, you don't have to comment here. But just tell me what the bloody hell is wrong with me?! Am I really soo scary?! GROOOOOWWWWL! ok i think that sorta answers the question hmm. But I understand. Such things cannot be sought or found. They will come to you, but not to me.

On Dreams
This one's always rather problematic. But the following quote by a nobel prize laureate sums it up very nicely. “Never underestimate the vital importance of finding early in life the work that for you is play. This turns possible underachievers into happy warriors.. Always I have been overpaid to do what has been pure fun.”

On Reality
But dreams will always remain as dreams. I chide myself for those lofty aspirations. It may be that the best path would be having a stable job and regular income coming in, ideally rising as time passes. Why am I unable to appreciate such practical, well-grounded tried and tested ways of survival? Why do I entertain my lofty ideals and expand them further and higher? Does education empower us, or imprison us into being unable to separate ideals from reality? As I follow the well trodden path, my heart lingers elsewhere. But I will take heart not to become a disillusioned/starving dreamer. Someday I will find that balance, someday I will learn.